ME AS AN ACTOR
Several years ago I realized that I was an award winning actor, despite never having actually acted in anything beyond mandatory elementary school plays. My acting skills were quite amazing. I was capable of giving these award winning monologues that would go on virtually all of my waking hours (and probably while I slept as well). Fortunately for most people, these monologues were in my head. It was quite incredible when I first identified this. Something would happen during the day in my interactions with the world, whether it be at work or commuting with a friend or partner or a random stranger. It could even be as subtle as a glance from a person or a simple email. And this would trigger an amazing production in my head. It could last hours or days or even longer. I had one story last for years, some people have stories that last their entire lives. My stories usually involved something that I should have done differently or some judgment about the other person(or persons) involved. I later learned that this process occurred usually due to a deep seated sense of fear, guilt and shame. It also pertained to my own shadow projections. The parts of my SELF that I hadn’t yet owned and projected on other people and so I judged them for it. Who triggers you? They can be your most helpful healers. And I should mention that this story in your head will exhaust the heck out of you on all levels - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I should also add that the story isn’t always a “bad” one. Sometimes the story will “puff you up” so to speak. I remember a time when someone would give me a compliment and I would be elated for days and the story would be about how great I was. But then someone could say something negative to me, even the slightest thing and the story would shift to what a piece of crap I was. How utterly exhausting. At one point I attempted to live a more isolated existence, so that I didn’t have to deal with this, but you can’t run from your shit and so I was pulled back into the world. As I returned to the world I had an inner knowing that a different state of being was possible. I realized there was a way to be unshakable so to speak, a way to be less swayed by the circumstances of your life. In order to get “here” though, I needed to do A LOT of healing work.
And so I learned that much of my state of being as an adult was rooted in what happened to me as a child and so I looked for ways to heal these things. I used a variety of techniques with limited success, until one day I had a memory of something that happened when I was 5 years old. For some reason I started acting it out, I mean I had so much experience, why not? I was so good at it that I was playing multiple roles, the role of my 5 year old self and the other people involved in this memory. But the difference was that as 5 year old Steve I now had the knowledge and assertiveness of an adult. I could now respond differently to the situation that was in front of me. I didn’t just have to listen to the adults that were around me. I could stand up for myself. And so that is what I did, and as I did this my voice was cracking and my body was shaking and I started crying, but I did it. And I repeated it over and over until it came out smoothly and confidently. In doing so this event was healed and it changed my interaction as an adult because I was no longer responding to people and experiences as a wounded child (which is really what I was doing). In my adult life I I felt less scared and more confident in many of my life interactions. Of course I needed to repeat this and other exercises numerous times (and still do), but this really opened the door for me. This is a very powerful form of healing that you can do all alone.
And so over time as I used this process (and others) more and more I noticed that my monologue was getting shorter and shorter, until I hardly ever notice it any more. Things would happen during my day and I wouldn’t think about them after they happened. How I acted, how someone else acted, what I said, what they said didn’t really matter. I also noticed that I had more energy and there was more ease in my life. But can’t you learn from your experiences? Of course, but there is NO STORY. There is just an awareness and an understanding and you move on with your life with new information. You might say, hey, maybe I could have responded differently. The story is done. There is no acting. Maybe next time you will respond differently, maybe not. I once came up with a quote which I may or may not have come up with, that might help summarize, “What matters most is not what happens, but your thoughts about what happens.”
What is also critical is your level of awareness. Are you aware that you are acting? Who is acting? I could take this acting analogy further and say that we are all actors in a wonderfully staged production, but we have gone completely method and there is no separation between you and the role. There is no awareness that you are indeed an actor and everyone else is acting as well. When you start to heal, you will realize there is something else going on here and while you do have a wonderfully unique role to play here, you will identify with it less. Paradoxically, you will embrace it more and so life will move forward with less resistance, even in hard times. Wouldn’t that be great, if people could play their roles and appreciate their roles and at the same time, take them less seriously? Wouldn’t the world be a different place with a bunch of confident, aware actors walking around?
P.S. The funny part is that I later learned of a healing technique called psychodrama in which you go through a similar process, often in a group setting. A group of people will act out a particular scenario to help facilitate healing for someone in the group. Quite amazing.